 
"As a kid I was like a miniature adult. I cooked and
cleaned and made sure my little brothers got off to school.
My Mom was always depressed and stayed in bed -- she was in
the hospital a lot. I guess I never really was a kid. Now, I
work hard to get A's, take on lots of responsibility, put on
this competent front. Inside I still feel really empty."
"My dad's an alcoholic. I was always afraid to invite
other kids over because I didn't want them to see what my
family was like. I never really got close to people, now I
don't seem to know how to let others get close. I really
don't know how to have a good relationship. Most of the time
I feel pretty alone."
"My parents have always had these big ambitions for
me. They tell me what my career should be, who my friends
should be, what kind of car I should drive, and who I should
date. it's like they expect me to be perfect but don't really
believe I can blow my own nose. I feel like I'm suffocating,
but if I get the least bit independent they try to control me
with money."
When problems and circumstances such as parental alcoholism,
mental illness, child abuse, or extreme parental rigidity and
control interfere with family functioning, the effects on
children can sometimes linger long after these children have
grown up and left their problem families. Adults raised in
dysfunctional families frequently report difficulties forming and
maintaining intimate relationships, maintaining positive
self-esteem, and trusting others; they fear a loss of control,
and deny their feelings and reality.
This page will help you understand and recognize family
dysfunction and its effects, provide some strategies to help
overcome these effects, and list some resources for further help.
Family dysfunction can be any condition that interferes with
healthy family functioning. Most families have some periods of
time where functioning is impaired by stressful circumstances
(death in the family, a parent's serious illness, etc.). Healthy
families tend to return to normal functioning after the crisis
passes. In dysfunctional families, however, problems tend to be
chronic and children do not consistently get their needs met.
Negative patterns of parental behavior tend to be dominant in
their children's lives.
How Do Healthy Families Work?
Healthy families are not perfect; they may have yelling,
bickering, misunderstanding, tension, hurt, and anger - but not
all the time. In healthy families emotional expression is allowed
and accepted. Family members can freely ask for and give
attention. Rules tend to be made explicit and remain consistent,
but with some flexibility to adapt to individual needs and
particular situations. Healthy families allow for individuality;
each member is encouraged to pursue his or her own interests, and
boundaries between individuals are honored.
Children are consistently treated with respect, and do not
fear emotional, verbal, physical, or sexual abuse. Parents can be
counted on to provide care for their children. Children are given
responsibilities appropriate to their age and are not expected to
take on parental responsibilities. Finally, in healthy families
everyone makes mistakes; mistakes are allowed. Perfection is
unattainable, unrealistic, and potentially dull and sterile.
There are many types of dysfunction in families. Some parents
under-function, leaving their children to fend for themselves.
Other parents over-function, never allowing their children to
grow up and be on their own. Others are inconsistent or violate
basic boundaries of appropriate behavior. Below is a brief
description of some types of parental dysfunction along with some
common problems associated with each.
Deficient Parents
Deficient parents hurt their children more by omission than by
commission. Frequently, chronic mental illness or a disabling
physical illness contributes to parental inadequacy. Children
tend to take on adult responsibilities from a young age in these
families. Parental emotional needs tend to take precedence, and
children are often asked to be their parents' caretakers.
Children are robbed of their own childhood, and they learn to
ignore their own needs and feelings. Because these children are
simply unable to play an adult role and take care of their
parents, they often feel inadequate and guilty. These feelings
continue into adulthood.
Controlling Parents
Unlike the deficient parents described above, controlling
parents fail to allow their children to assume responsibilities
appropriate for their age. These parents continue dominating and
making decisions for their children well beyond the age at which
this is necessary. Controlling parents are often driven by a fear
of becoming unnecessary to their children. This fear leaves them
feeling betrayed and abandoned when their children become
independent (Forward, 1989). On the other hand, these children
frequently feel resentful, inadequate, and powerless. Transitions
into adult roles are quite difficult, as these adults frequently
have difficulties making decisions independent from their
parents. When they act independently these adults feel very
guilty, as if growing up were a serious act of disloyalty.
Alcoholic Parents
Alcoholic families tend to be chaotic and unpredictable. Rules
that apply one day don't apply the next. Promises are neither
kept nor remembered. Expectations vary from one day to the next.
Parents may be strict at times and indifferent at others. In
addition, emotional expression is frequently forbidden and
discussion about the alcohol use or related family problems is
usually nonexistent. Family members are usually expected to keep
problems a secret, thus preventing anyone from seeking help. All
of these factors leave children feeling insecure, frustrated, and
angry.
Children often feel there must be something wrong with them
which makes their parents behave this way. Mistrust of others,
difficulty with emotional expression, and difficulties with
intimate relationships carry over into adulthood. Children of
alcoholics are at much higher risk for developing alcoholism than
are children of non-alcoholics.
Abusive Parents
Abuse can be verbal, physical, or sexual. Verbal abuse - such
as frequent belittling criticism - can have lasting effects,
particularly when it comes from those entrusted with the child's
care. Criticism can be aimed at the child's looks, intelligence,
capabilities, or basic value. Some verbal abusers are very
direct, while others use subtle put-downs disguised as humor.
Both types are just as damaging.
Definitions of physical abuse vary widely. Many parents, at
one time or another, have felt the urge to strike their child.
With physically abusive parents, however, the urge is frequent
and little effort is made to control this impulse. The Federal
Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act defines physical abuse
as "the infliction of physical injuries such as bruises,
burns, welts, cuts, bone or skull fractures; these are caused by
kicking, punching, biting, beating, knifing, strapping, paddling,
etc."
Striking a child has much to do with meeting the parent's
emotional needs and nothing to do with concern for the child;
parents often erroneously justify the abuse as
"discipline" intended to "help" the child.
Physically abusive parents can create an environment of terror
for the child, particularly since violence is often random and
unpredictable. Abused children often feel anger. Children of
abusive parents have tremendous difficulties developing feelings
of trust and safety even in their adult lives.
While parents may justify or rationalize verbal or physical
abuse as discipline aimed at somehow helping the child, there is
no rationalization for sexual abuse. Sexual abuse is the most
blatant example of an adult abusing a child purely for that
adult's own gratification.
Sexual abuse can be any physical contact between an adult and
child where that contact must be kept secret. Demonstrations of
affection -- such as hugging, kissing, or stroking a child's hair
-- that can be done openly are quite acceptable and even
beneficial. When physical contact is shrouded in secrecy then it
is most likely inappropriate.
Sexual abuse happens to both boys and girls. It is perpetrated
by both men and women. It cuts across lines of race,
socioeconomic level, education level, and religious affiliation.
In most cases, sexual abuse is part of an overall family pattern
of dysfunction, disorganization, and inappropriate role
boundaries.
Responsibility for sexual abuse in all cases rests entirely
with the adult. No child is responsible for being abused. Most
sexually abused children are too frightened of the consequences
for themselves and their families to risk telling another adult
what is happening. As a result they grow into adulthood carrying
feelings of self-loathing, shame, and worthlessness. They tend to
be self-punishing and have considerable difficulties with
relationships and with sexuality.
Regardless of the kind of dysfunction or abuse, effects vary
widely across individuals. Support from other healthy adults,
success in other areas, or positive changes in the family can
help prevent or minimize negative effects. The following
questions may help you identify how you may have been or continue
to be affected.
Adults raised with family dysfunction report a variety of
long-term effects. The following questions may help you assess
your own situation. Answering "Yes" to these may
indicate some effects from family dysfunction. Most people could
likely identify with some of them. If you find yourself answering
"Yes" to over half of them, you likely have some
long-term effects of living in a dysfunctional family. If you
find yourself answering "Yes" to the majority of them
you might consider seeking some additional help.
1. Do you find yourself needing approval from others to feel
good about yourself? Yes_____ No_____
2. Do you agree to do more for others than you can comfortably
accomplish? Yes_____ No_____
3. Are you perfectionistic? Yes_____ No_____
4. Or do you tend to avoid or ignore responsibilities?
Yes_____ No_____
5. Do you find it difficult to identify what you're feeling?
Yes_____ No_____
6. Do you find it difficult to express feelings? Yes_____
No_____
7. Do you tend to think in all-or-nothing terms? Yes_____
No_____
8. Do you often feel lonely even in the presence of others?
Yes_____ No_____
9. Is it difficult for you to ask for what you need from
others? Yes_____ No_____
10. Is it difficult for you to maintain intimate
relationships? Yes_____ No_____
11. Do you find it difficult to trust others? Yes_____ No_____
12. Do you tend to hang on to hurtful or destructive
relationships? Yes_____ No_____
13. Are you more aware of others' needs and feelings than your
own? Yes_____ No_____
14. Do you find it particularly difficult to deal with anger
or criticism? Yes_____ No_____
15. Is it hard for you to relax and enjoy yourself? Yes_____
No_____
16. Do you find yourself feeling like a "fake" in
your academic or professional life? Yes_____ No_____
17. Do you find yourself waiting for disaster to strike even
when things are going well in your life?
Yes_____ No_____
18. Do you find yourself having difficulty with authority
figures? Yes_____ No_____
Regardless of the source of dysfunction, you have survived.
You have likely developed a number of valuable skills to get you
through tough circumstances.
Consequently, it is important to first stop and take stock.
You may find that much of what you learned in your family is
valuable.
Many of the survival behaviors you developed are your best
assets. For example, people who grow up in dysfunctional families
often have finely tuned empathy for others; they are often very
achievement-oriented and highly successful in some areas of their
lives; they are often resilient to stress and adaptive to change.
In examining changes you may want to make in yourself, it is
important not to lose sight of your good qualities.
Patience is necessary! Negative effects from growing up in
dysfunctional families often stem from survival behaviors that
were very helpful when you were growing up, but may become
problematic in your adult life. Remember that you spent years
learning and practicing your old survival skills, so it may take
awhile to learn and practice new behaviors.
1. Get Help.
In most dysfunctional families children tend to learn to doubt
their own intuition and emotional reactions. Often outside
support provides an objective perspective and much-needed
affirmation which will help you learn to trust your own
reactions. Help or support can take many forms: individual
counseling, therapy groups such as Survivors of Incest or Adult
Children of Dysfunctional Families (ACODF), and self-help groups
such as Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA), Alanon, or
Codependents Anonymous (CODA). Kansas State University Counseling
Services offers a variety of therapy groups each semester.
2. Learn to Identify and Express
Emotions.
Growing up in a dysfunctional family often results in an
exaggerated attention to others' feelings and a denial of your
own feelings and experiences. While this often results in very
good sensitivity to others, you may have neglected sensitivity to
yourself. Stop each day and identify emotions you are or have
been experiencing. What triggered them? How might you affirm or
respond to them? Try keeping a daily feelings journal.
Be selective in sharing your feelings with others. You may not
find it helpful to share all of your feelings. In sharing your
feelings with others take small risks first, then wait for a
reaction. If the responses seem supportive and affirming try
taking some larger risks.
3. Allow Yourself to Feel Angry About
What Happened.
Forgiveness is a very reasonable last step in recovery, but it is
a horrible first step. Children need to believe in and trust
their parents; therefore, when parents behave badly, children
tend to blame themselves and feel responsible for their parents'
mistakes. These faulty conclusions are carried into adulthood,
often leaving guilt, shame, and low self-esteem. When you begin
with trying to forgive your parents you will likely continue to
feel very badly about yourself.
Placing the responsibility for what happened during your
childhood where it belongs, i.e., with the responsible adults,
allows you to feel less guilt and shame and more nurturance and
acceptance toward yourself.
It is usually helpful to find productive ways to vent your
anger. This can be done in support groups or with good friends.
Try writing a letter to one or both of your parents and then
burning the letter. You may want to talk with your parents
directly about what happened.
If you decide to do this it is important to keep your goal
clear. Do you want to encourage change and work for a better
relationship, or are you trying to get even or hurt them back?
Pursuing revenge frequently results in more guilt and shame in
the long run. Holding on to anger and resentment indefinitely is
also problematic and self-defeating. Focusing on old resentments
can prevent growth and change.
4. Begin the Work of Learning to Trust
Others.
Take small risks at first in letting others know you. Slowly
build up to taking bigger risks. Learning who to trust and how
much to trust is a lengthy process. Adult children from
dysfunctional families tend to approach relationships in an
all-or-nothing manner. Either they become very intimate and
dependent in a relationship, or they insist on nearly complete
self-sufficiency, taking few interpersonal risks. Both of these
patterns tend to be self-defeating.
Frequently, children of dysfunctional families continue to
seek approval and acceptance from their parents and families. If
these people could not meet your needs when you were a child,
they are unlikely to meet your needs now. Recognize your parents'
limitations while still accepting whatever support they can
offer. Seek your support from other adults. Practice saying how
you feel and asking for what you need. Don't expect people to
guess -- tell them. This
step will likely require much effort.
5. Practice Taking Good Care of
Yourself.
Frequently, survivors of dysfunctional families have an
exaggerated sense of responsibility. They tend to overwork and
forget to take care of themselves. Try identifying the things you
really enjoy doing, then give yourself permission to do at least
one of these per day. Work on balancing the things you should do
with the things you want to do. Balance is a key word for people
who've grown up in dysfunctional families.
Identify areas you tend to approach compulsively: Drinking?
Eating? Shopping? Working? Exercising? How might you approach
this in a more balanced fashion? One of the best things you can
do for your mental and emotional well being is to take good
physical care of yourself. Do you eat a good healthy balanced
diet? Do you get regular exercise?
6. Begin to Change Your Relationships
with Your Family.
Keep the focus on yourself and your behavior and reactions.
Remember, you cannot change others, but you can change yourself.
Work on avoiding entanglements in your family's problems. Alanon
calls this "detachment." Counseling or support is
usually crucial when trying to change family relationships. You
are fighting a lifetime of training in getting hooked into their
problems, usually including large doses of guilt.
It is also important to be patient with your family. They may
find it difficult to understand and accept the changes they see
in your behavior. While most families can be workable,
undoubtedly there are some rare families who are far too
dangerous or abusive to risk further contact.
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