Many times when family and friends
try to "help" addicts, they are actually making it easier for them
to continue in the progression of the addiction.
This baffling phenomenon is called "enabling," which takes
many forms, all of which have the same effect -- allowing
the addict to avoid the consequences of his actions.
This in turn allows the addict to continue merrily along
his drinking/drugging ways, secure in the knowledge that no matter
how much he screws up, somebody will always be there to rescue
him from his mistakes.
What is the difference between "helping" and "enabling?" There
are many opinions and viewpoints on this, some of which can be
found on the pages linked below, but here is a simple description:
Helping is doing something for someone that they are
not capable of doing themselves. Enabling is doing
for someone things that they could, and should be doing
themselves.
Simply, enabling creates a atmosphere in which the addict
can comfortably continue his unacceptable behavior.
Here's a few questions that might help determine the difference
between helping and enabling an addict in your life:
1. Have you ever "called in sick" for the addict, lying about
his symptoms?
2. Have you accepted part of the blame for his (or her) drinking/drugging or
behavior?
3. Have you avoided talking about his drinking/drugging out of fear of
his response?
4. Have you bailed him out of jail or paid for his legal
fees?
5. Have you paid bills that he was supposed to have paid
himself?
6. Have you loaned him money?
7. Have you tried drinking/drugging with him in hopes of strengthening
the relationship?
8. Have you given him "one more chance" and then another and
another?
9. Have you threatened to leave and didn't?
10. Have you finished a job or project that the addict
failed to complete himself?
Of course, if you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you
at some point in time have enabled the addict to avoid his
own responsibilities. Rather than "help" the addict, you have
actually made it easier for him to get worse.
If you answered "yes" to most or all of
these questions, you have not only enabled the addict, you
have probably become a major contributor to the
growing and continuing problem and
chances are have become
effected by the addiction yourself.
As long as the addict has his enabling devices in place,
it is easy for him to continue to
deny that he has a drinking/drugging
problem -- since most of his problems are being "solved" by
those around him. Only when he is forced to face the consequences
of his own actions, will it finally begin to
sink in how deep
his problem has become.
Some of these choices are not easy for the friends and
families of addicts. If the addict drinks up the money
that was supposed to pay the utility bill, he's not the only
one who will be living in a dark, cold, or sweltering house.
The rest of the family will suffer right along with him.
That makes the only option for the family seem to be taking
the money intended for groceries and paying the light bill
instead, since nobody wants to be without utilities.
But that is not the only option. Taking the children to friends
or relatives, or even a shelter, and letting the addict come
home alone to a dark house, is an option that protects the family
and leaves the addict face-to-face with his problem.
Those kinds of choices are difficult. They require "
tough love." But it is
love. Unless the addict is allowed to face the consequences
of his own actions, he will never realize just how much his
drinking/drugging has become a problem -- to himself and those around
him.
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