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Disclaimer Statement
This article is a reprint with permission from Essence magazine and was initially featured in its October, 2001 issue. The views expressed in this article are not necessarily the views of this ministry nor its staff. By permitting reprint of this article within our website, Essence Magazine nor Tamala Edwards endorses this ministry or our views. The purpose of reprinting this article is to further inform our female audience of the growing phenomenon of "men who have sex with men."
He wants to get married one day, "Fred" says. In fact, the 36-year-old Ohio social worker just met a woman over the weekend, whom he describes as lovely. "We're having lunch this week," he says.
But five or six times a month, Fred has sex with men. Some are men he's had contact with before; some are strangers he picks up in bars or parks. "You don't even give your name sometimes," he says. Fred believes women are for relationships; men are for sex, only. But ask him if he is gay or bisexual, and he quickly answers no. "Gay men don't like women. I want a relationship with a woman," Fred says. "I don't want one with a man. I don't know what that makes me." Does his new lady friend know about his double life? "No -- and she won't," he says.
women usually contracted the disease through drug use. But these days one of the main methods of infection is heterosexual sex. In some instances, women are having sex with men infected through drug use. But researchers say that, more than generally suspected, female infection has come through the "bridge" population of men who also have sex with men.
What's In A Word?
It's hard to quantify this population, but a survey by the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta found that nearly a quarter of Black HIV-positive men who had sex with men consider themselves heterosexual.
Hold the phone, you may be saying. How can a man have sex with other men and call himself straight? Part of this is semantics. Experts say words like gay and bisexual turn off Black men, conjuring up images of swishy White guys wearing pink triangles on their chests. What's more, in the Black community such labels rob a brother of his most valuable stock, his masculinity. Hence J.L. King, author of Secrets: Life on the Down Low due out next spring, can spend half an hour extoling the attractions of homosexual sex, yet insist, "if you call me gay, I will curse you out and hang up this phone."
These men don't consider themselves gay, so AIDS prevention messages and programs often elude them. It's such a concern that health-care workers are now using the phrase "men who have sex with men" (MSM), hoping it will make these, men more open to information about safe sex and HIV testing.
Mind Over Manhood
 Many of us were brought up to believe sexuality could be defined simply, with gay on one end and straight on the other. "But the bottom line is that sexuality is fluid.
We can't just put people in these little cubicles -- they don't fit," says Ron Simmons, Ph.D., executive director of Us Helping Us, People Into Living, Inc., an AIDS community outreach group in Washington, D.C.
Some MSMs want only quick sex from men; others crave long-term male emotional and intellectual connection. Some have long yearned for male sexual contact; others are introduced to it because of their circumstances.
They needed money or drugs or were on lockdown -- and learn they like the experience. In a freer world some MSMs who are now on the down low might be openly gay; some might call themselves bisexual; some might live largely heterosexual lives.
But for now, the only place they find acceptance is in their secret society. "These men live in a racist society and a homophobic Black community," says Simmons. "What makes this insidious is that the community that should help them deal with the racism will abandon them if it finds out about the gay behavior."
"Who he sleeps with isn't the issue.
The issue is can you have a committed,
monogamous relationship?"
Shame and stigma lead these men to carry on elaborate double lives. Bill, a 53-year-old Arizona man, likes his lovers "masculine and unclockable." They often start the night in bars drinking and hitting on women, an act that is really just a precursor to their ending up in bed together. Other men talk about the fraternity brothers, fellow deacons, sporting buddies, colleagues and friends that their female lovers unknowingly embrace as just "one of his boys." Best-selling author E. Lynn Harris who shot to prominence with novels like Invisible Life (Anchor) that are about men living dual lives -- says his recent book Not a Day Goes By (Doubleday) was inspired by guys who serve as the best man in their former lover's wedding.
"I can't tell you how many men have been in their boyfriend's wedding," says Harris. "And then there are these roughneck brothers, who get together, drink Thug Passion, listen to rap and get blunted. The next morning their underwear is on the floor, and they just get up and put it back on, as if nothing has happened."
Don't Be Afraid To Ask
And that trouble often eventually comes to the doorstep of a woman. Julie Posey went to San Francisco to become a fashion merchandiser in the mid-1980's. She soon met and fell in love with Bax; the two married and had three children. Posey discovered Bax was having sex with men, then he tested HIV-positive. But she blamed it all on his burgeoning drug habit.
"He was a fine Black man who loved me to death. He couldn't be gay," Posey, now 42, says of her years of denial. It took Bax's therapist confronting her before she accepted that her husband's behavior was related to his sexual cravings, not drugs.
Bax died of AIDS in 1999. Though Posey and her children are fortunately HIV-negative, she says, "In the end I felt stupid. There was this truck coming at me the whole time. Why didn't I get out of the way?"
How do you get out of the way? Experts, as well as men in the life, say a woman's greatest weapon is valuing herself. She's got to insist that partners wear condoms, and she should pay attention, especially to her own intuition. "If your spirit leads you to form a question, ask it," advises Posey.
But Brenda Wade, Ph.D., a San Francisco therapist, says a lot of groundwork needs to be done before even getting to that point. You should have had multiple nonromantic dates -- by her count, ten -- before you have sex. Dating gives a woman time to ascertain whether a man is sane, available and compatible with her. "You have to be willing to put up with being lonely and horny," Wade admonishes. "You have to take your time and you have to ask questions."
And what if your new sweetheart reveals he has had sex with men or has an attraction to males? Most women would assume there's nothing to do but head for the door. But Wade says that would be the wrong call.
And though this topic is jarring, there isn't cause for panic. "Tell sisters not to accuse every man in their life of being on the DL," says King. "They aren't."
And those who are, aren't evil sexual predators either. They're brothers mired in stigma and denial. More hate won't make the situation better, but working to make your community and your heart more open and accepting will.
And there are happy endings. Tyrone, 39, a North Carolina man, met his wife in church. A month into the relationship as they grew more serious, he sat her down and told her about his past encounters with men. They had a month of deep discussion about both their sexual pasts. They decided to continue their relationship, and eventually they married. Four years after the wedding, they hit a rough patch. Tyrone had an eight-month affair with an engaged man, an indiscretion he revealed to his wife a month after the affair ended. Counseling helped them rebuild the relationship, and now he describes his 12-year marriage as strong and happy, a good place for their two sons. "I knew from the beginning I was in love with her and wanted her to be the mother of my children," he says. "And that hasn't changed till this day. That's what's strongest."
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